Reasoning

      This crazy flying journey began almost 19 years ago now. When I started my training I was watched very closely by everyone around me because I was so young. A lot of it was with skepticism. Most disregarded me, assuming I wouldn't last long. A rare few took the role of mentoring. I grew up in an incredible era at Morningside where my mentors were National and World comp pilots, and I was so lucky to have that. Every day of flying came with some type of lesson or guidance and helped shape me into the pilot that I am now.
      Every pilot goes through an evolution at their own pace and in their own order. I got my H2 and first mountain flights, learned to ridge soar, got my aerotow rating, learned how to thermal, joined my first competition, got my H3, got my H4 but never received it on paper the next spring and stopped flying not long after due to adulthood.
     After the 2001 Regionals and placing 3rd I was hooked and wanted to be a comp pilot. Not long after making that declaration, I crashed and dislocated my shoulder. Flying became a lot scarier to me and I became overly conservative. Some would call that positive, and I agree but only to a certain point. The crash stemmed from an error on my part while playing with a single surface after being in my UltraSport the entire prior season: I misjudged the crappy glide/penetration and didn't make the LZ. So now whenever I flew I would panic if I didn't have the LZ almost underneath me no matter what glider I was in. I was leaving lift and bailing early to come in to land fearing I wouldn't make it. Not necessarily a bad thing, being that it's a safe practice, but if you're going for distance and competitions it's crippling.
      I had a good year in 2016 with multiple XC journeys and soaring flights galore. I had a hat-trick XC streak from Ascutney to Morningside 3 for 3 and in addition to that I was informed that I set a new female XC record for the region. My shoulder surgery that fall changed everything, I didn't trust my body. 2017 was my recovery season, until I crashed and hurt myself again. Then 2018 turned into recovery season: Part 2 for both physical and mental. I'm still not sure how things were processed in my brain, but it went downhill as the year went by and I still don't know why. I did my first comp in 18 years down in Florida and placed fairly well (not top 10 like I wanted, but 13th is close enough I guess). Once back in New England for spring conditions I began to get nervous. I flew here and there, but only when it was benign conditions and dead calm. Nothing happened that should've caused my mind to revert back to my 2001-2005 flying mindset, yet there it was. I was leaving thermals with Max and Ilya to get back directly over the park because in my mind I wasn't going to make the field. Which, in hindsight, was ridiculous. Half of the time we were at 6,000'+ and Morningside wasn't more than a few miles away, but in my head I wasn't going to penetrate back upwind and land short - an issue stemming from my old crash. I wanted to go XC, but wasn't really towing up in conditions that would allow me to do so. I wouldn't get on the cart if the leaves were rustling at all.
     It came to a head when I ended up having a breakdown in the taxiway. I was all set up to go, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. The conditions weren't crazy, just a typical mid-day thermally tow. I had done a few hundred of these by now. Everything came down on me and I was questioning what I was doing. I bawled my eyes out to Stacy and finally just blurted out 'I feel like I'm going to die every time I fly.' and didn't realize until that moment that it had become that bad, and it was unfounded. There was no reason for it. Yes hang gliding is dangerous to a point, but the risks are mitigated with experience and proficiency. Both of which I have plenty of. I have only had two bad crashes in the course of 12 total seasons which is impressive considering the flying and XC I've accomplished. Both were pilot error and preventable. Then as soon as that hit me, it went away and I was back to normal a month later. I was up on trashy days scratching for thermals and flying with Max and Ilya again like it never happened.. In hindsight I think it was just a self preservation thing kicking in.
    I recently had an urge to join the Nationals. It only took a week and I've snapped out of it. I've taken a step back and before I decide to enter another comp I want to make sure the 'have fun' and 'win' battle is far more balanced out. I had fun at the Green Swamp this past spring but it was stressful and I only placed 13th, granted it was out of about 50 pilots... but I still feel like I failed and I'm still hard on myself about it.
    I've competed my entire life since childhood because I'm the youngest out of 3. It's a blessing and a curse that's pushed me to accomplish a lot of things. I've competed snowboarding, weightlifting, motorcycle racing.. but it makes me never satisfied with being decent, I have always tried to be the best and it has honestly taken away from the overall experience of the things I've done.


    
I need to set my sights back to two things that I had already started working on:

• I want to extend my XC record
• I want to land on the beach. 

Hampton Beach is an almost-impossible 100 mile task, and the tiny amount of pilots that have accomplished this feat over the last few decades is a glaring tribute to the difficulty. Being the first female to fly to the coast would be the icing on the cake, and doing it in a kingposted glider will definitely make it interesting, but not impossible. It's been done in worse gliders from the past. Here's the list of the only pilots who have made it to the beach..


VHGA Sand Men:

1. Nelson Howe
2. Randy Adams
3. Teddy Hasenfus
4. Jon Szarek
5. Steve Arndt
6. Richie Laport
7. Timmy Donovan
8. Jeff Bernard
9. John Arrison
10. Dennis Cavagnro
11. Tom Lanning
12. Greg Hanlon
13. Tim Hoopes
14. Dan McGonagle
15. Randy Brown

Those goals, to me, are a lot more reasonable. I'm only competing with myself (and Ilya and Max a little bit.. :)  But these goals will hopefully be lower key, take the stress off, and help me enjoy the journey a little more.